HazyDaisy.net|CrazyHazyDaisy’s new home.

It has been a rough past 2 weeks.  I’ve been sick…and when I’m sick…I’m really sick.  I have not taken off a day of work for an illness since April, 2007…2 years ago.  I’m one of those people that just deals with sickness really well…and I hate it when people complain because they are sick but refuse to see a doctor.  Last week…I took 2 days off…on my second day off…I called the doc…he called in a Zpack and cough medicine for me.  Neither worked.  The Codeine in the couch syrup was pretty nice though.  I wake up today and I literally feel like I got hit in the head with a puck coming from Gonchar’s slapshot.  I called the doc and went in to see him.  I’m glad the diagnosis was just a very severe sinus infection…which he put me on a stronger antibiotic.  I’m praying this works.  I swear…I have never felt so weak and helpless from an illness.  I hate being weak.  I don’t deal well with it…which is why I had my episode today.

It’s just my luck to get all of the difficult clients on the phone when I’m not myself and can’t handle it.  One or two here and there are fine…but literally every single fricking client I talked to was a pain in my ass.  The healthy me…I can handle that no problem, but when I’m sitting there either with my sunglasses on or covering my eyes because my head is throbbing so hard it hurts my eyeballs to look at light…that becomes a problem.  This has been going on all week…I don’t think I had one client this week that was just an “ok” client.  I finally lost it today.  I started bawling at work.  I don’t do that shit.  That’s when Mik says to me…”Come on…we’re going to lunch.”  Ok sure.  We hopped in the car and listened to some Clarks. 

I’m still not quite sure why I started to randomly bawl.  It could be all the stress that has been building up for the past few months and this pain in the ass bug I have is just bringing everything out.  I know I’ve been needing a good cry all week, I did shed a few tears last night too.  I knew I was going to…I was on my way home and I felt the tears coming on…so I call up someone pretty special to me just to say hi…it always makes me smile to hear his voice…but then I think after I hung up…I shed the few tears because I realized how much I miss him.  I do feel better now that I finally cried today.  I feel like I got a lot out.  My head is still pounding and my eyeballs are throbbing…but I don’t feel so weak anymore, and I certainly don’t need to do anymore crying.  Though it probably would help to clear up my sinuses…

This sickness needs to go away…because it is consuming me.  I’m normally the person that takes care of people…and I actually feel right now that I need someone here.  Not to wait on me hand and foot…but just someone to have for company…and maybe a few hugs.

I’ve noticed some things.  I have the same people that leave comments here over and over.  There is nothing wrong with that…I appreciate all of them…since I don’t really write for just myself of course.  What I have noticed though…all of you (and you know exactly who you are) that take notice to me not posting in a while…never leave me any comments.  How’s that fair?  You gently remind me that I don’t post, but then I get no feedback.  So this is my gentle reminder…when I post…I like comments…positive or negative…call me out for not posting…I’ll call you out for not commenting.  *big evil grin*

Yes…it’s been a while since I wrote anything…and once again I’ve been reminded by quite a few people that I haven’t posted.  So…whats life right now?  Pretty damn confusing.  I’ve been told that people enjoy my insights on life…but I really can’t understand why.  I have a boring life.  Why it would be somewhat entertaining to anyone is beyond me.  I mean really…does anyone really want to live my life?  Does anyone want to crawl into an empty bed and cuddle with their childhood stuffed animal?  For me right now…it works…but only because it has to.  I have no other option.  I used to be on the phone until I fell asleep…but that doesn’t happen anymore…could be a number a reasons why not…but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is that the good things that I had…are no longer around.  That’s what they say though…all good things come to an end right?  The end could be days, weeks, years, or even decades after they begin…but there is an end eventually.  It’s really up to you though to determine when that end is…and how much you are willing to put up with before you say yes…it’s the end.  My whole life I’ve always put up with way more than I ever should…and the end should have come much earlier than things actually did.  That’s me though…big heart…won’t let anyone know I’m upset or when something is bothering me…I just go with the flow and whatever is best for any other party but myself is the way I roll.  Who cares about Miss Aimee right?  It’s all I’ve grown to know…and as history repeats itself…it seems like it’s all I’ll ever know.  The only way for me to know something else is to change who I am…and if I change who I am…who does that make me?  Certainly not the Aimee that people know…or the Aimee that herself knows.  Same theory…in which a very good friend of mine once told me…”The bigger the heart…the bigger the hurt.”  It’s so true in my case.  I really hate that I have the heart that I do at times…especially when people don’t respect it or even acknowledge it.  The person I really am…I’m that doormat…free to walk on…only because that’s who I am.  I’m not saying I like it…because it actually causes much heartache.  I’m not going to change who I am  just to not be walked all over.  It’s who I am and no matter how had I try to change…it doesn’t happen.  I might as well just accept the fact that yes…I’m just a pretty little flowered doormat.  Sooner or later…it will all come back around…and once I find someone that won’t take that heart and shove it in the mud covered doormat…it will be all be worth anything I’ve ever gone though.  I’m still a believer in everything happens for a reason…and everything is done to teach us life lessons…though there are some people that never really get taught those lessons…they just keep wiping their feet on a pretty flowered doormat…

I was telling…we’ll call him Mr. Wonderful for now…about my horoscope for yesterday…how it matched up perfectly with everything that I was feeling.  Ironic enough that it came the very next day after I made my last post.  I really think it’s time for me to do what it says…check it out…

 ”There’s a fresh wind blowing new life into plans that you thought were beyond resuscitation.  It’s not quite time to let go of any ideas; it’s time to take them to the next level.  Still, you may already feel a bit nostalgic about what you are going to leave behind.  Keep in mind that you probably won’t miss the past too much once you realize how much more hopeful you feel about your future.”

Ok…so I know…it’s been a while since I updated anything.  I was gently reminded by not 1…not 2…but 3 people that it’s been a while since I’ve updated anything.  Honestly…I really didn’t think I was that important to have people remind me it’s been a while since I posted.   So…here goes…

My world for the past month has been crazy.  Really.  For once though…crazy in a good way.  I think.  So…there is this boy.  Or I should say one hell of a man.  Really…this guy has it all.  I got flowers on Valentines day because “Every woman deserves flowers on Valentines Day.”  There is something about him that I can’t get past…How on earth a great guy like him could even be remotely interested in someone like me?  This is what is bothering me…For the past week…he has asked me “I don’t understand why you don’t believe I want to be with you?”  I really got to thinking about this…and I was very…very bummed today because of it.

I tend to push the good guys away.  I go for the assholes.  The past year I’ve done nothing but chase the worthless men.  The great guys that actually know how to treat a girl…yup…pushed them far away.  Is it for a reason…I don’t know.  Recently I had several men that wanted to be with me who would have treated me very well.  What did I go for?  The one that wasn’t worth anything to a real woman.  It wasn’t even the past year though.  It’s been pretty much my whole dating career.  I’ve been through liars, drunks, more liars, users…and more liars.  I begin to think…who was the real liar?  Was it the piece of shit man that was lying to me…or was it me lying to myself that it could have been something and seeing something in that sorry person.  Either way…I’ve been wronged more often than not.  So…how do I believe someone actually wants to be with me?  From what I know now in a man’s perspective…I’m nothing more than someone to sleep with, lie to, and not be anything serious with.  Should I be wrong for believing that considering my track record?  Am I really truly worth anything?

To sum it up…I’ve got a great guy waiting and wanting to be with me…why I can’t just believe that I’m worth being with is something that I’m going to have to get over.  Deep down I know that I’m a great catch.  I do anything and everything for anyone that is close to me…even if I know I’m being used.  That is what I have to work on though.  I also need to work on believing the fact that I deserve a great man like him…and not someone that wants to be with me only when it’s convenient for them.  Fuck that.  I haven’t even touched what I’ve really been through here…but those that know…they know it’s rough.  My best friend and big brother told me tonight…”It’s not something you can get over…but it’s something you need to look past to move on.”  The reason I can’t believe that someone really wants to be with me is that because no one has ever shown me the respect that I have shown that person…I’ve believed in too many people that turned out to be the complete opposite of what I thought they were…I think I should be done believing that…and believe in what is actually real for once…

So…maybe it’s time to roll to him…because when I want to talk the night through…I know who will be there…

” REMEMBER, THE LIE ITSELF IS WORTHLESS, THE LIAR IS WORTHLESS AND THE REASON FOR DOING IT IS WORTHLESS. INTEGRITY, SHAME AND GRIEF IS WHAT HURTS THE PERSON LIED TOO. IF YOU WERE LIED TO AND FEEL WORTHLESS, THEY WIN. SOMETIMES ITS A STEEP PRICE TO PAY FOR BEING A GOOD PERSON I GUESS. AND I KNOW YOU PRETTY WELL, YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON. :)  “

He asked me what was wrong at work one day, and really I had just been thinking about how much I’ve actually been lied to…and the people that do it just keep lying and lying thinking that I don’t have a clue.  I said nothing more than that…I hate being lied to and I’m sick and tired of it.  The above was what he said.  Since then…I’ve had a different look on things.  It’s not me that’s worthless…it’s the lie and the liar.  2009 is going to be a great year if I keep this attitude. 

It didn’t take me long.  I actually thought for sure that the last time I quit…I wasn’t coming back.  It was my longest break I have taken.  Friday night, I logged into game.  Really just to say hi to everyone.  (I’m not kidding.)  I had no intention on coming back to actually play.  Well…once I’m in there…I see all the fun stuff I’m missing.  (And getting my arm twisted ever so slightly to come back.)  Guess who went out and bought WoTK the very next day.  Oh yes…Me.  I don’t plan on playing hardcore like I was before, but I still want play.  I have lots of studying to do and with working full time, I imagine I’ll only get the chance to play a few times a week if that.  That’s cool though because I’ll get tons of rest bonus!  I hope I can find the happy medium between real life and game.  I’m definitely enjoying being back so far that’s for sure!!!

At work today, for no reason what so ever I got really really bummed. I had no clue where it came from, but I was just sad. I was still sad as I left work and headed to the grocery store. Every once in a while when I get in these funks I literally have to smack myself out of it. So that’s what I did. You would think what I did next was an accident waiting to happen…especially with my clumsy ass…

While leaving Giant Eagle, I was pushing the cart and at the top of the lot I got a crazy idea to ride the whole way down to my car…since I was parked in the back anyway.  That’s exactly what I did.  I hopped on…and rode the whole way down the lot…on slippy pavement no less. How did I not fall and break something? I don’t know. I had fun though and people looked at me like I was crazy. Of course I probably would too if I saw some late 20’s chick riding a cart through the lot.

My point is…sometimes you just gotta forget about everything and have fun again…I’m trying to do just that.

It’s my new home! I’m still crazy…we all know that…but I’m kinda liking the short name again…this was down for a bit so…WB!!!  Oh…and it’s not going to stay like this…I plan on adding in some color…soon…if I can find the time.

I started to bold the lines that really meant a lot…but then I realized I was bolding the whole thing…so every single line should be bolded…take it as you will.

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious

And you don’t see me

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there’s more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

‘Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Oh well, oh well
Apparently nothing,
Apparently nothing at all

You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me

You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me

You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me

You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me

You don’t see me

You don’t, you don’t
You don’t see me at all